DOs for DUMMIES

In Retrospect:
This is A SATIRIC piece I did early this year after a special someone hassled me for not having as much female friends as he thought was necessary.
Sadly I didn’t upload it back then because someone said “it didn’t fit my blog voice”.
Whatever that means!
This piece was further rejected by 3 other bloggers for being too Feminist, and that made me realise just how easy it is for a large amount of young The throw  trendy words around without actually looking them up in a dictionary or knowing when it is appropriate to use such words or not.

Well
It is the year 2014.
The year of wearable technologies, space tourism and ofcourse, C-Strings (For men)!
With this advancement in technology and radical revolution in fashion, comes also a paradigm shift in all of the processes involved in the forming and nurturing of human relationships.
What used to once be a rather simplistic exercise where in you meet someone you have similar interests with or share similar experiences with, have a conversation or two and slowly bond over time has evolved into a complex and dynamic social framework.
Its out with the old and in with the new. This change is happening so fast that for some of us, it is difficult to keep track of what is now generally accepted and what isn’t. As a result, establishing necessary human relationships is an almost impossibility and we thus resign ourselves to the comfort of our cold hard smart devices.
Still humans by their very nature are relational beings. In simple terms we like not just the sound of our own voices but the voices of others of our species. We have an overwhelming need to surround ourselves with anything other than ourselves and usually it is other people.
Satisfying that need was what inspired my QUEST: In search of someone of my species and my sex that I can bond with, share my deepest thoughts and fears with. While starting out I had high hopes and expectations but the reality I met was rather frightening. This led to my discovery of how much the rules have changed.
Well I went, I definitely saw a whole lot and I Conquered ’em (I think). And from my Wealth of experience I bring you A 3-STEP GUIDE ON HOW TO MAKE GIRL FRIENDS.
Again, it is the year 2014.
Its contemporary Nigeria.
And the Quest is to find a “Best Friend Forever”, henceforth referred to as The Potential Bff.
The following should guide you as you navigate through the murky waters of female bonding.

* Do NOT come across as intellectual.
Every stereotype you have heard about blondes suddenly seem more factual when the case study is a typical Nigerian female.
Rather than a basic and necessary knowledge on things like religion, science, politics, literature, art, world economy, home making, child development and the likes you are better off grounded in matters such as hair, make up, boys, photography(with special interest in CelfiePhotography) and gossip.
If you have little prior knowledge of these things then at the very least you have to present yourself as a willing student. Ready to learn at the feet of The potential Bff.
It is important that you do not try to get her to see that there’s more to life than the virgin “Tibetan” hair on her head. It is also important that you do not attempt to teach her how to use her Apple device for anything other than Celfies and candy crush. Going further as to helping her discover the amazing potentials lying dormant inside of her is totally unacceptable too.
Do any of this and you would come off as boring, rigid and even arrogant, making you an unsuitable Bff candidate. On this note,
1. You would have to trade your copy of Chinua Achebe’s “There Was Once a Country” for something in the silhouette sensation series… Try Jensen Muriel’s “Love and Lavender”.
2. No more of The Discovery Channel or Al Jazeera. Telemundo is your new favorite TV station.
3. Cash out all of your savings.
     Go on a shopping spree.
     Open an IG account.
     Get A-snapping.

** Do say NO to your personal time and space.
If there’s one thing the typical Nigerian female absolutely abhors is Being Alone. It doesn’t matter what is being done, when or where it is being done, the Potential Bff would always want company.
When she’s going to the salon, to the market, on her morning run, to the movies, to the bathroom, to see her boyfriend or even while she’s sitting at home flipping through a 2003 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. She would want you around her at all times and vice versa.
If you have a full time job or a time consuming hobby and The potential Bff is (according to her Instagram profile);
‘a stay at home fashion consultant’
then you are already setting yourself up to fail at this quest.
With this step also comes the relinquishing of your freewill and choice.
You take her with you to the movies and she insists on a nollywood movie that is so horrible you are certain it was initially intended for pre teenagers with ‘special’ needs.
Going for a hair or nail appointment? She definitely wants to tag along. And who cares that you have been patronising the same witty hair dresser since your hair was just a TWA. The Potential Bff would insist on her over priced hair stylist with little or no actual talent.
Its Sunday and you want to go fellowship with the Brethren? No, that’s boring. Religion is for unmarried desperate singles in their late 30’s. Lets just play dress up, strike one or two hundred poses for the camera and then go back to bed. (hashtag,LazySunday)
The next time you have a date with the boyfriend:
Scenario 1
She is going to want to accompany you.
You have to Call the boyfriend and convince him to come along with one of his ‘make sense’ friends.
This would guarantee that at the end of the evening she goes off the other dude and you get to have some alone time with your man.
Scenario 2
She is going to want to accompany you.
You try to get your boyfriend to come along with someone else too but sadly every one has a prior engagement.
Your boyfriend is like, what the hell, bring her along, we would totally ignore her, get so lovey-dovey and cozy that she would be really uncomfortable and make a run for it.
Fast forward to the end of the evening, it is Her (scrolling through her Instagram timeline) and you and your man (trying to make out) on that queen size bed.

***Do Lie.
In our contemporary society it is really only Jesus Christ that would accept you just as you are, making this step in your quest a very vital one.
The Potential Bff does not really care about who you truly are as long as it is at par with her idea of who you must and should be.
So, depending on the kind of person she has made herself out to be (the truth notwithstanding) you need to have a fancy cover story that parallel hers and that means you have to Lie, as and when necessary. To be convincing you might have to significantly alter You so it falls in line with that character from your cover story that bears no actual semblance to You.
If she speaks with a Faux British accent because tho she was born and bred in the city of Lagos (Never having ever left the country) but conceived in London during her parents honeymoon then you might need to top that. You spent a summer in Bavaria when you were 11months and that’s why you pronounce all W’s as V’s and ‘th’ as ‘Z’. It doesn’t matter that you only started speaking that way after listening to the magical story of her English Conception.
Her favorite Meal is something like scrambled eggs, fried country ham, toast with butter and jelly and a cup of milk? Yours could be something like the Carinthian Klachelsuppe made from pork leg and root vegetables. (You can’t be caught in a lie if she has no idea what you are talking about).
She spent last Christmas at the Transcorp Hilton, Abuja? You spent yours at an exotic farm ranch in the East (Hyperbole for your Hometown, Umuchoko Egbelu, in Imo state. But nobody really needs to know that right?)
Bottom line? Lie Lie Lie.
You would be required to fit in. Be someone that you are not even sure you like. You would have to look the part, talk the part, act the part. You would also have to ‘think’ the part. Your ideals and principles might have to go but its for a good cause, No? It doesn’t matter if you are Pro-Life. She gets knocked up you have to get off your moral high horse (Yes. It would be labeled that) and help her illegally purchase the abortifacient.
And thus it goes on and on… Until you lose yourself.
And if one day you wake up, look into the mirror and the image staring back at you is that of a total stranger that bears a striking resemblance to your Potential Bff then your work here is done.

As funny (maybe) and sarcastic as it might sound there are bits and pieces of Truth in all of these. The question now is, is it all really worth it?
The hassles, the loss of self and identity, the kowtowing and ass licking, the frequent telling of pleasant lies, the long hours of mundane conversations, and so on. Does the companionship the other provides measure up to the price you would have to pay?
I wouldn’t know tho because I must confess that my quest was a futile one. At the end of the day I only just realized that I am much too self aware to allow ME get lost in the maze of any relationship that isn’t with the one who gives me Life. Still, i wish you God Speed as you embark on your Quest and hope that ‘the odds are ever in your favour’.
On a final note, this is really just a fun piece. There are lots of good females out there who have a lot to offer. I can say this because ‘I know me some amazing grown women’.
The moral here is, Be true to yourself regardless of whatever. There would be pressures on every side to conform to societal standards, good or bad. Just remember, outstanding individuals are those who are not afraid to break the norm and Stand Out.

As usual…
All grammatical errors were fully intended.

P.S
Thank you @DJNIRO84. For Everything. And some more.

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SHE

 

The time is 6:09 pm and ‘Superman’ by Five For fighting is playing quietly on my tab. Mothers’ day is barely a week away and I am drawing inspiration from my mother and writing a song of praise for mothers all over the world.

 

She is a vessel, She is a medium;

The arch connecting dust and soul

 

She is invincible, She is fair;

She gives life the final word

 

She sees in the dark; her heart illuminates

Far and beyond the physical into realms unknown

 

She speaks in a lingo only the other can discern,

And in her tongue lies the law of kindness

 

She is faith; supporting what we see

Unto the scene that we do not

 

She is faith; that which works by love

Unwavering even in doubts overwhelming presence

 

I am being interrupted by the familiar Nokia tune of my cell phone notifying me of an incoming call, quickly I scribble the next line of my ‘song’,

 

She is love; her brand infinitely intoxicating

She is truth; mighty above all things

 

I do not want to lose the plethora of words roaming free in my head but the ringing is persistent.

 

I pause, sigh and then pick up my phone glancing at its 6” screen and then smile when I see ‘Ma Mere Calling’ boldly displayed across it:

 

“Aku ke k’ime?” is the first thing she says like I had already guessed she would. Those words are her trademark opening lines.

 

“I am fine, mummy. How you dey na?”

 

“I dey fine o. Only say hunger dey worry us for here.”

 

I laugh. And she laughs too.

 
Continue reading

I AM….

I am a crazy quilt.
I feel trapped in a cave
of despair.
My material existence has been shattered.
There is a prostration of my sublimal self.
But in all my disintegrated parts,
I am complete in Christ.
I am weak.
Like a dying man gasping for breath.
My body,devoid of strength.
My spirit,standing on its last legs.
Even my etheric double is affected.
But in all my weakness,
U magnified,are my strength.
I am blind-surrounded by an overwhelming
darkness.
By things :both seen and unseen.
Even by my own self delusion and self
deception.
I stretch out my arms,stumble and fall.
In all of these,
I hearken to your voice calling out to me.
Saying: You are the light of the world.
I am scared.
Terrified of that which is unknown to me.
My eyes askance,
I feel like I am sitting on thorns.
My past,my present,what my future would
be,
All make me quiver.
I think of my hopes,dreams and my
purpose,
I become an aspen leaf.
I am scared;
Of this interim eternity,of an eternal
damnation.
Still u say to me: Fear Not!
I am undefined.
Too ambiguous to be understood.
Too obscured to be seen.
At the same time,I am;
Too vague to be defined.
Too distinct to be hazy.
I am that which is to be captured by the
shutter,
But I am way out of focus.
You cannot know me ‘cos I do not know
myself.
You cannot comprehend me-
This me is impossible to elucidiate.
But ask who I am?
I am imperfect.
Simply a sinner whose sins have bin
forgiven.
ANd learning everyday to live the victorious
life.

CAPTION THIS…

In Retrospect…
*After all is said and done, I’m back home… right here where I feel safe and unafraid…
*I feel the need to state here that I’m quite terrible at keeping in touch… so to all those whom I daily forget to reach out to, know that I pray for you as often as I pray for myself.
*I’m exploring a different style of writing. We can only hope this experiment doesn’t bite me in the ass. 😀

Now

“…in time I have lost time focusing on you…”
Truly There are some combination of words that leave you lost in their sublimity.
But I digress.
it takes a lot of courage to admit certain truths about ‘ourselves to ourselves’.
It is therefore taking a lot of courage to admit to the woman I see when I gaze into the mirror that I absolutely am scared of being alone. This fear is surpassed only by my fear of being left alone ‘with my thoughts’.
But again I digress…or maybe not.
Ok. Now lets imagine for a second that…

**The pain woke Daramola up from her dreamless slumber.
It was a sharp intense pain gnawing at the pit of her stomach. She sat up ever so gently and after fumbling with the bedside switch for a few seconds turned on the lights in the room.
She glanced at the little star shaped clock on her bedstead.
The time was 2:46 am.
She sighed.
Still a couple of hours till sunrise and with it any hope of getting some respite from the pain that was both nagging and nauseating.
She took a sip from the glass of water she had placed on her bedstead just before drifiting off to sleep and was assuaged only but for a fraction of a second. Then for the first time she felt the dampness between her thighs and slowly her gaze fell on the flowery sheets on her bed.
When Dar saw the blood her stomach turned to ice.
Terror held her like a vice like grip and she blinked sweat from her eyes. 
Blood everywhere.
Maybe not everywhere but enough blood to inspire fear and panic until she let herself recall what osaretin had told her as regards the drug and it’s side effects;
‘…you’d feel nauseous and you might even throw up too… you might stool though thats unlikely but crazy stomach cramps and heavy bleeding are a must so when that happens try not to panic….’
Still staring down at her bloodied sheets Dar tried ‘not to panic’ and took long deep breaths.
Slowly fear gave way to another jolt of bold unrelenting pain.
Dar felt like someone was using a drill to excavate the contents of her insides and she was desperate to stop it.
She winced and bit into her hand, attempting to help the pain by numbing it with more pain but that yielded no results,
The pain was persistent and seemed,.. angry.
The air conditioning In the room was functional yet Daramola was breaking out in cold sweat.
The room was totally quite but for the almost inaudible tick tock of the star shaped clock and Dar’s silent scream of pain.
Distracted by the pain in her gut and the blood on her sheets Dar was unaware of the tears that had welled up in her eyes as freely as water from a drinking fountain. The tears  brightened her coffee brown eyes and made them glitter like darks stars in a stormy sky and in a steady stream they fell down her face.
But amidst her tears she smiled.
She smiled at nostalgia.
She smiled at de javu.
She smiled because all that she was feeling were familiar feelings.
Blood.
Tears.
Pain.
She smiiled at the thought of The three words that were needed to tell all of her life’s story.
Dar cried. While smiling she cried.
Because as Dar sat unmoving in her blood, sweat and tears, she was no longer the 19 year old trying to get rid of the life that has bin growing inside of her for almost six weeks.
No. She was no longer that young woman.
She was a distant memory,
She was a clinging past.
She was the six year old girl sobbing quietly as uncle Akin used his fingers to feel the inside of her woman parts.
She was the 8 year old been scolded by her mother;
‘Dont say that about your uncle you silly child. What would your father think or do if he should hear you saying such nonsense about my brother?’
She was the fourteen year old standing beside a coffin, absolutely devoid of evey feeling of loss as she stared at the battered remains of her mother.
She was the almost 16 year old lying in bed eyes wide open listening for the familiar footstep of her father as he made his way to her room and into her bed looking for comfort in her arms and between her thighs.
She was all of these… and all of nothing.
Dar cried some more,the tears flowing down upon her like a bower of billows and washing the smile off her face.
The clocked chimed.
The time was 3 am and Dar was still lost in the depths of her familiar hellhole.**

Whew!
Talk about digression.
*in whizkids voice* oya back to the matter,,,
This morning I spoke to a friend of mine for about thirty minutes on the phone and it was a conversation that left me emotionally exhausted. It also in a lot of ways inspired this piece because it reminded me of some words said by the notorious Madea character in Tyler Perry’s Madea goes to jail;
“Everybody got a story…
People all up in here need to understand something okay,
Every body got a life,
What you do with that life is up to you.”
In my adult life I have come across people who never seem to want to take any responsibility for their own actions. People who allow past tragedies affect their present happiness. I encounter Young people who are comfortably playing the victim by living recklessly While hiding behind the mask of some childhood orAdolescent trauma. And it really is depressing.
We all have a story.
At some point in our lives something tragic/traumatic has happened or would happen.
We have almost all suffered deprivation and or neglect in one form or another.
We do not always have all that we need.
We are not all picture perfect, literally.
Yet we are all here and we are marching on.
So when I come across someone who acts as though they have no choice but to make certain wrong choices and display certain inappropriate behaviour because of what has happened to them in the past I feel the need to say to them,;
“this is complete and utter bullshit and you know it.”
There is no disqualifying the hurts and pain of the past because it and its inevitable issues contribute to who we are. But what we need to realise is, we can go beyound the pain of our stuff and make good and new lives.
As much as the past lays a foundation for the future,It alone and in itself doesn’t necesarily determine what that future would be,
In this journey Where we are coming from is important but not in any way as important as the destination we have in mind.
It is often said that your life right now is a compilation and sum total of all the choices you’ve made up to this point.
The key word here is CHOICE.
Think about it
Its not so much As what happened to us, but what Happened because of us.
we are the people that we are right now not because of what someone did or did not do but because we made one choice instead of another.
Im not tryng to make light of anyone’s tragic tale and I undertand that life for some persons haven’t been a bed of roses but trust me mine hasn’t either. But blaming our circumstance on other people even when they are partly or almost totally responsible, only makes us victims and keeps us stuck.
So, As an advocate of tough love I admonish y’all to ‘get your shii together’! 😀
If the situation is one you cannot change then accept it for what it is and make the best out of it.
Be strong, there’s much to suffer.
Be brave, there’s much to bear.
Under stand your weaknesses. Dis regard the seeming limitations.
Live, learn, love and Forgive.
Life would definitely hand you lemons but like Ron White said;
“When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonades, and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a PARTY.”

P.s
As usual all grammatical errors were fully intended.  🙂

Lingering Exes

I’d be heading off to NYSC camp in a few and its going to be my first camping experience tho I can’t say m enthusiastic about is as I have come to realise that I get along better with other people when I am not around them. Just kidding.
Human Relationships a’re complex and they are dynamic. When it is a love relationship it gets even more complicated and this is largely due to the fact that where and when the heart is involved, there are usually little or no certainties:’ ‘a risk, no guarantees’. The best a person can do is give it their best shot. Nevertheless, I always encourage people to see every relationship as a learning experience however the outcome.
Lingering exes…
Okay sometime last year while dating my now ex boyfriend, I had a picture of my prior Ex (confusing, I know but I am sure you get the ‘gist’ . And again, Lord please let me not leave a long trail of exes behind before finding The One) as my blackberry messenger display picture. A friend saw it and asked whom the dude was and without thinking my reply was,
‘He is the most important man in my life.’
It was only after the words were out of my head and delivered to the receiver I realised how wrong they were considering the fact that I was supposed to be in a committed relationship with another ‘man’.
On bin friends with an Ex, different people have different things to say. While some tend to see it as a bad idea, others like myself take a more ‘liberal approach’. A friend of mine said, and I quote:
“I would not want to be in a relationship with a guy who still has contact with his Ex. That shii is inappropriate and there is no justifying it.”
Another friend said her curiosity to see what becomes of her Ex far outweighs any rational argument to cut ties.
On my part I think being friends with an Ex is okay even though my reasons for bin on the understanding side of the ‘friends with your ex’ continuum are entirely selfish.
Two relationships ago I met an incredible young man who in so little time taught me a whole lot and have subsequently become indispensable to me, such that my life’s story ‘might’ be incomplete if he doesn’t feature significantly in it. Though he is an Ex, he is first and most importantly a very good friend and I dread to think of such a time I might not be allowed to have him in my life as just that…a friend. Yeah, like you are already thinking being friends with him complicated my life a little bit not because I was trying to rekindle the flames of what we once had but strictly cos unconsciously I made him the ‘standard’ which every other contender for my heart had to measure up against.
Now though I have bin able to put things In perspective. I understand that what we had cannot be duplicated and I know now to treat each person as a distinct individual with their own peculiar strengths and accompanying flaws.
The experts say it is unhealthy to ‘remain friends with an ex who treated you badly and here I am inclined to agree with them. When you choose to remain friends with someone who didn’t treat you well, you actually validate whatever negative ideas that they have about you plus its like giving them a get out of assclown jail free card.
The experts also say you are only allowed to be friends with an Ex if:
-they treated you well.
-enough time has passed and you have both gotten over the loss of the relationship.
But I say adopt the approach that works for you and also works for your current partner so he or she does not begin to feel insecure/uncomfortable.
Love Relationships are complicated. Adding an Ex to the cocktail further complicates it but is the alternative (cutting off all ties) the lesser of both evils? Frankly I don’t think so but hey that’s just my opinion. And if the choice is between a guy who is on a strict ‘no talking’ policy with all of his exes and one who still gets along with a few, I’d always opt for the latter.
One thing I guess we all have in common is that ‘someone’ we would always have special feelings for regardless of whom we might be in a relationship with. However messed up that might seem I don’t think there is an off switch somewhere and the most we can do is try to have closure; not with them but with ourselves…coming to terms with why it all went wrong and why it is now necessary to move on…not dwelling on what was or what might have bin but ONLY on what IS.

P.S.
To you who made me feel like my heart was ripped out from my ribcage, thrown off the roof of a small building and smashed by oncoming traffic lol, HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Yeah I know m a couple of hours too early but still…GOD BLESS YOU IMMENSELY. I ♡U.

Women have a hardcore desire to throw themselves at the frontline of pain. #GoFigure.

As usual, all grammatical errors were intended. 😀

#CONFESSIONS 3

Grief is a natural response to loss.
I lost something I never really had and
yet still the pain of my loss absolutely
boggled my mind.
They say the pain of loss is severe
because the pleasure of life is so great;
it demonstrates the supreme value of
what is lost.
Not in my case tho.
There was no understanding the value
of what I lost when I never really had it
in the first place. But the grief and pain
was inevitable just like thunder after
lightning.
One of the primary xteristics of being
human is knowing what constitutes
right and wrong and what it means to
be responsible whether one chooses
to be or not. but often times when
presented With a tough choice we take
the seeming easy route. At least I did.
Only to realize that there is no absolute
easy way out of a self induced tough
situation. Actions have consequences
and as much as we might try to evade
it, life(karma) would always have the
final word and those words are not
always pleasant.
Grief has about 5-7 identified stages
and I am still going through the
process. There are so many things I’d
do differently if given the chance and
despite how totally messed up I get
sometimes I never forget to tell myself
that I am FINE because tho it might not
be totally true right now, I trust that
eventually it would be.
Grief… loss…
I have lost but I have also gained. I
gained a deeper awareness of self. A
self that has enabled me clarify my
purpose in life and rediscover the
wonder Of the present moment. For
tHo my body may be broken, my
thoughts confused and my emotions
troubled, I am hopeful that life can still
be good.
The moral lesson here is that age long
saying : evry dark cloud has a silver
lining. You might not See it almost
immediately…but keep looking…And
eventually you just would.

#STOLEN…*wink*

*saw this on facebook and just had to steal it…lol*
Long Distance Relationship aren’t
always ideal.
In fact, they’re really tough.
You spend countless of hours just
talking through a phone or through a
screen.
You can’t see the person when you
want to or when you most need it.
You can’t hug, you can’t hold hands,
you can’t kiss.
You lose the intimacy in a physical
sense.
But then,
Your relationship becomes based on
each other and nothing else.
You learn to communicate,
because a long-distance relationship
without communication is nothing.
You learn to trust, because you can’t
always see or know everything the
person is doing.
You learn to sacrifice, because
someone’s always going to lose a bit of
sleep from the time difference.
And lastly, you learn to appreciate.
So often, we take for granted the
people and relationships in our lives
because we think they’ll always be
there.
But When you only have a limited
amount of time with a person,
you learn to appreciate and cherish
every single moment you have with
them.
When you finally see that person after
weeks or months of seeing them only
through a computer screen,
It is one of the greatest feelings in the
world.
When you’ve waited for something so
long and you finally have it,
you cherish it. The key to a long-
distance relationship is faith.
If both of you are not willing to give up,
If both of you are willing to stand up
and still try after every time one of you
or both of you fall.
“Distance isn’t for the fearful, it’s for
the bold.
It’s for those who are willing to spend
a lot of time alone in exchange for the
little time with the one they love.
It’s for knowing a good thing when
they see it, even if they don’t see it
nearly enough.”