DOs for DUMMIES

In Retrospect:
This is A SATIRIC piece I did early this year after a special someone hassled me for not having as much female friends as he thought was necessary.
Sadly I didn’t upload it back then because someone said “it didn’t fit my blog voice”.
Whatever that means!
This piece was further rejected by 3 other bloggers for being too Feminist, and that made me realise just how easy it is for a large amount of young The throw  trendy words around without actually looking them up in a dictionary or knowing when it is appropriate to use such words or not.

Well
It is the year 2014.
The year of wearable technologies, space tourism and ofcourse, C-Strings (For men)!
With this advancement in technology and radical revolution in fashion, comes also a paradigm shift in all of the processes involved in the forming and nurturing of human relationships.
What used to once be a rather simplistic exercise where in you meet someone you have similar interests with or share similar experiences with, have a conversation or two and slowly bond over time has evolved into a complex and dynamic social framework.
Its out with the old and in with the new. This change is happening so fast that for some of us, it is difficult to keep track of what is now generally accepted and what isn’t. As a result, establishing necessary human relationships is an almost impossibility and we thus resign ourselves to the comfort of our cold hard smart devices.
Still humans by their very nature are relational beings. In simple terms we like not just the sound of our own voices but the voices of others of our species. We have an overwhelming need to surround ourselves with anything other than ourselves and usually it is other people.
Satisfying that need was what inspired my QUEST: In search of someone of my species and my sex that I can bond with, share my deepest thoughts and fears with. While starting out I had high hopes and expectations but the reality I met was rather frightening. This led to my discovery of how much the rules have changed.
Well I went, I definitely saw a whole lot and I Conquered ’em (I think). And from my Wealth of experience I bring you A 3-STEP GUIDE ON HOW TO MAKE GIRL FRIENDS.
Again, it is the year 2014.
Its contemporary Nigeria.
And the Quest is to find a “Best Friend Forever”, henceforth referred to as The Potential Bff.
The following should guide you as you navigate through the murky waters of female bonding.

* Do NOT come across as intellectual.
Every stereotype you have heard about blondes suddenly seem more factual when the case study is a typical Nigerian female.
Rather than a basic and necessary knowledge on things like religion, science, politics, literature, art, world economy, home making, child development and the likes you are better off grounded in matters such as hair, make up, boys, photography(with special interest in CelfiePhotography) and gossip.
If you have little prior knowledge of these things then at the very least you have to present yourself as a willing student. Ready to learn at the feet of The potential Bff.
It is important that you do not try to get her to see that there’s more to life than the virgin “Tibetan” hair on her head. It is also important that you do not attempt to teach her how to use her Apple device for anything other than Celfies and candy crush. Going further as to helping her discover the amazing potentials lying dormant inside of her is totally unacceptable too.
Do any of this and you would come off as boring, rigid and even arrogant, making you an unsuitable Bff candidate. On this note,
1. You would have to trade your copy of Chinua Achebe’s “There Was Once a Country” for something in the silhouette sensation series… Try Jensen Muriel’s “Love and Lavender”.
2. No more of The Discovery Channel or Al Jazeera. Telemundo is your new favorite TV station.
3. Cash out all of your savings.
     Go on a shopping spree.
     Open an IG account.
     Get A-snapping.

** Do say NO to your personal time and space.
If there’s one thing the typical Nigerian female absolutely abhors is Being Alone. It doesn’t matter what is being done, when or where it is being done, the Potential Bff would always want company.
When she’s going to the salon, to the market, on her morning run, to the movies, to the bathroom, to see her boyfriend or even while she’s sitting at home flipping through a 2003 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. She would want you around her at all times and vice versa.
If you have a full time job or a time consuming hobby and The potential Bff is (according to her Instagram profile);
‘a stay at home fashion consultant’
then you are already setting yourself up to fail at this quest.
With this step also comes the relinquishing of your freewill and choice.
You take her with you to the movies and she insists on a nollywood movie that is so horrible you are certain it was initially intended for pre teenagers with ‘special’ needs.
Going for a hair or nail appointment? She definitely wants to tag along. And who cares that you have been patronising the same witty hair dresser since your hair was just a TWA. The Potential Bff would insist on her over priced hair stylist with little or no actual talent.
Its Sunday and you want to go fellowship with the Brethren? No, that’s boring. Religion is for unmarried desperate singles in their late 30’s. Lets just play dress up, strike one or two hundred poses for the camera and then go back to bed. (hashtag,LazySunday)
The next time you have a date with the boyfriend:
Scenario 1
She is going to want to accompany you.
You have to Call the boyfriend and convince him to come along with one of his ‘make sense’ friends.
This would guarantee that at the end of the evening she goes off the other dude and you get to have some alone time with your man.
Scenario 2
She is going to want to accompany you.
You try to get your boyfriend to come along with someone else too but sadly every one has a prior engagement.
Your boyfriend is like, what the hell, bring her along, we would totally ignore her, get so lovey-dovey and cozy that she would be really uncomfortable and make a run for it.
Fast forward to the end of the evening, it is Her (scrolling through her Instagram timeline) and you and your man (trying to make out) on that queen size bed.

***Do Lie.
In our contemporary society it is really only Jesus Christ that would accept you just as you are, making this step in your quest a very vital one.
The Potential Bff does not really care about who you truly are as long as it is at par with her idea of who you must and should be.
So, depending on the kind of person she has made herself out to be (the truth notwithstanding) you need to have a fancy cover story that parallel hers and that means you have to Lie, as and when necessary. To be convincing you might have to significantly alter You so it falls in line with that character from your cover story that bears no actual semblance to You.
If she speaks with a Faux British accent because tho she was born and bred in the city of Lagos (Never having ever left the country) but conceived in London during her parents honeymoon then you might need to top that. You spent a summer in Bavaria when you were 11months and that’s why you pronounce all W’s as V’s and ‘th’ as ‘Z’. It doesn’t matter that you only started speaking that way after listening to the magical story of her English Conception.
Her favorite Meal is something like scrambled eggs, fried country ham, toast with butter and jelly and a cup of milk? Yours could be something like the Carinthian Klachelsuppe made from pork leg and root vegetables. (You can’t be caught in a lie if she has no idea what you are talking about).
She spent last Christmas at the Transcorp Hilton, Abuja? You spent yours at an exotic farm ranch in the East (Hyperbole for your Hometown, Umuchoko Egbelu, in Imo state. But nobody really needs to know that right?)
Bottom line? Lie Lie Lie.
You would be required to fit in. Be someone that you are not even sure you like. You would have to look the part, talk the part, act the part. You would also have to ‘think’ the part. Your ideals and principles might have to go but its for a good cause, No? It doesn’t matter if you are Pro-Life. She gets knocked up you have to get off your moral high horse (Yes. It would be labeled that) and help her illegally purchase the abortifacient.
And thus it goes on and on… Until you lose yourself.
And if one day you wake up, look into the mirror and the image staring back at you is that of a total stranger that bears a striking resemblance to your Potential Bff then your work here is done.

As funny (maybe) and sarcastic as it might sound there are bits and pieces of Truth in all of these. The question now is, is it all really worth it?
The hassles, the loss of self and identity, the kowtowing and ass licking, the frequent telling of pleasant lies, the long hours of mundane conversations, and so on. Does the companionship the other provides measure up to the price you would have to pay?
I wouldn’t know tho because I must confess that my quest was a futile one. At the end of the day I only just realized that I am much too self aware to allow ME get lost in the maze of any relationship that isn’t with the one who gives me Life. Still, i wish you God Speed as you embark on your Quest and hope that ‘the odds are ever in your favour’.
On a final note, this is really just a fun piece. There are lots of good females out there who have a lot to offer. I can say this because ‘I know me some amazing grown women’.
The moral here is, Be true to yourself regardless of whatever. There would be pressures on every side to conform to societal standards, good or bad. Just remember, outstanding individuals are those who are not afraid to break the norm and Stand Out.

As usual…
All grammatical errors were fully intended.

P.S
Thank you @DJNIRO84. For Everything. And some more.

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