‘Emotional blackmail’ is low and just sad. On more than one occasion I have fallen prey to it. My boss (and occasional shrink) attributes that to my overwhelming maternal instincts. He defines it as ‘my need to right the wrong in other people’s lives’.*sighs*
I thought to catch up on my ‘lost’ childhood and indulge in a little bit of animation, Dora the Explorer to be precise. Wrong move!
I am super excited about Dan Brown’s INFERNO. And if you haven’t read Connie Willis’s THE PASSAGE please do ‘cos it’s pure genius. She took the ‘titanic ship’ and made it a symbol for ‘near death experiences’. Genius!
When I started out this blog I told myself I would keep my personal life away from it as much as possible. Well so far that has been easy because to be really sincere my life is nothing close to that of the typical 20 year old that is filled with the twists and turns, crazy moments and exciting stories to tell. A lil sad, yeah?
So my relationship which started off on a very good note is going ‘bananas’. Yet every day I do my best to function at full capacity and not allow that get to me. I must say I am quite skilled at compartmentalization (*note to self-* add that to my ‘wife material’ résumé). Unfortunately my occasional shrink was able to see through my facade of strength and this led to a conversation I would never forget, at the end of which I got to learn 2 things:
*I am really afraid of being alone.
*The backup plan is not a myth.
The first falls under the personal life category and goes against my cardinal rule of blogging. Sue me. LOL.
The second (clears throat) ‘is the reason we are all gathered here today’.
As a result of that conversation and this blog post I decided to do a bit of research and ‘hear’ what other persons have to say as regards the backup plan. First off I have to say that the back up plan as used here is not the movie by Jennifer Lopez (who by the way I think is a very talented actress/singer). And it is not really a plan as much as it is a person. So let’s rephrase and call it the backup girl…or guy as the case may be.
As regards the back up plan, one blogger had this to say;
“You know, when you’re dating someone and all of a sudden the shit hits the fan, suddenly you’re alone. The person you were really jazzed about blows you off, the relationship is over and done with, and you’re back to the starting line again. For a lot of you guys, the starting line means you’ve got to do it all over again. That means you’ve got to go back to the days of jerking off, the days of going into the Walgreen’s looking all dejected as you reach for that KY Jelly…The reason why you’re jerking it (or if you’re a woman you’re riding Bob, your Battery Operated Boyfriend) so much is because you got rid of your backup person. You burned your bridges. Backup person is that cool person that you can be with sexually, but you both know you’ll never get involved in a relationship because you just aren’t relationship material for each other.”
While this blogger chose to see the fun and easy aspect of the backup plan, another saw it from a whole different perspective while taking a ‘shot’ at the weaker sex;
“I have never understood the mentality of women who do this. This type of activity ruins lives and relationships. It’s one thing to date a lot or even have a list of “Booty Calls,” but it doesn’t make sense to create the foundations for another relationship while you’re already in one”
From a woman perspective, Jenn Clark had this to say as regards the backup plan.
“Have you ever been in this position? The guy you really like doesn’t make you a priority in his life. He may give you just enough time and attention to keep you hanging on, but he doesn’t show an interest in moving things forward. In fact, it often seems like he’s putting you on hold. You feel like his “Plan B.” And you constantly wonder if you’ll ever be anything more to him…. So how do you know if he’s keeping you as a back-up plan? You’ll know because his interest will be inconsistent. He’ll be available when it’s convenient for him, he’ll break plans, and he’ll seem to disappear as soon as you give him a lot of attention. You’ll have the sense that you aren’t important to him and that he’s merely keeping you around until something “better” comes along. If your gut is telling you that this is the case, be sure to listen to it. It is rarely wrong”.
However one chose to see this it doesn’t change the fact that having a backup plan is as selfish and irresponsible as it gets. I understand the fact that the women are generally scared of being alone and men just want to have their cake and eat it. Still when the ‘pieces’ involved are humans who have feelings, the rules of the ‘game’ changes.
We live in a society where values and virtues are taken for granted and people are treated like and given the same measure of respect as objects. Very sad but true.
What is also true is the fact that in same society girls now categorize men into 2 different kinds of individuals:
*The placeholder: a guy she is with until a ‘better opportunity’ comes along.
*The potential: the guy she kips warming up on the side in case her relationship begins to go bad.
And almost every guy has that one girl that is ‘fun, available, free and ready’.
I am not going to explore the reasons why people see the need for a backup plan or talk about how to know if you are someone else’s back up plan, because the truth is you can never really know the ‘heart of a man’. What I do have to say is this; the golden rule really is golden. Treat people in exactly the same way you would want to be treated. My dear friend would say, sometimes we are so eager to learn the seeming big things that we tend to forget the little ones.
Again every relationship is a sacrifice. Take the risk, no back up plans and no guarantees. Stay in the relationship and by all means make it work. If “happy ever after’ is meant to happen, it most definitely would. One of my greatest joys would be when the person I love looks at me and says;
“Thank you for not giving up on me.”
Yeah I know I could be a silly romantic sometimes but who isn’t?
I am clearly not an expert on all things ‘relationship’ but ermm…
GUYs: lack of social experience might make you assume a relationship is more than it actually is. Do not grow too attached to the first woman who shows you substantial affection. Always know what you are and what role you play in a woman’s life.
GIRLs: Men rarely commit to women who tolerate disrespect. It’s very important to decide how you want and deserve to be treated right from the start. Maintain high standards and don’t settle.
As usual all grammatical errors were intended.