A ‘piEcE’ oF mE

In Retrospect:
1.) I had to take a break from blogging. Blame it on my final exams.
2.) The jungle justice on ’em Uniport dudes is trending now. Prior to posting this I just saw a video of it.Whatever happened to our humanity?
3.) Disputing the existence of a higher power does not make u intellectually superior to others. #JustSaying.
4.) Quoting @MrOyax ‘I may be all hardcore on d outside but inside I am all mushy’. Whatever that means. Lol!
5.) I don’t do long blog posts. The attention span of the average reader,me inclusive is rather pitiable. So I keep it short,precise and straight to the point.

{Only but a while ago………………………………………….}

I jolted out of bed but his arms held me back down and after struggling for a bit I paused and took quick short breaths. His voice was tender, gentle and soothing.

“calm down Jennifer. Its only a dream”

The room was dimly lit by the television we had both left on before drifting off to sleep. And though the ceiling fan was making fast circular motions I was sweating profusely. He wiped some of the sweat off my brows with the back of his palm and stared at me intently. I stared right back at him holding his gaze in an intense way that I think made him uncomfortable ‘cos then he forced himself to look away

I closed my eyes and in another few minutes I was asleep again.

*

That was an aspect of my adult life most persons are unaware of. Funny thing is as often and as hard as I tried I was unable to remember what those dreams entailed and maybe if I was it would have helped put things in perspective but sadly though I couldn’t.

Some nights were better than others. there were times I could go a month or two and not be plagued by ‘the demons that fought their battles in my sub concious’ and at other times, going to bed at night was a frightful chore as I knew that without doubt those demons would resurface.

When I left home for the university i did so thinking that some of the experiences I had as a young child were relatively normal. But when I met other persons and got some measure of exposure I came to realize how wrong I was. This realization made me very ANGRY. I was overcome by blind anger and rage and I held on to it. In my everyday life and interactions I had to put up the facade of a happy-go-girl but in the privacy of my mind and heart I was angry with a whole lot of persons and at a whole lot of things.

It is often said that holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else;you are the one who gets burned.

Very true!

My anger prevented me from fixing the aspects of my life that really needed to be fixed. But behind my anger was fear. The fear that in the long run I’d become a mirror image of the very same person I was angry at. As an angry person I seemed to be strong and in control but fear was the main reason behind my anger. I was scared of being different. I was scared of being treated differently. I was scared of being unheard. I was scared of being misunderstood. My fears and anger eventually resulted into the nightmares that plagued the sanctuary of my minds eye for quite a while.

Truth is In many cultures young people are under pressure to conceal their anger. Sometimes they do such a good job of it that they don’t even recognize it themselves. They conceal their anger until it explodes out of them in the form of hurtful words or {self} destructive deeds. I know this because while holding on to my anger I did some things which I am not entirely proud of and in the process ended up hurting people that I genuinely cared about.

The process of letting go of my anger took quite a while and some effort because I had to learn to overcome my fears and live above them. In so doing I learnt 3 invaluable lessons;

-Always know why you feel angry. Track down the clues about the kind of things, situations, people and events that trigger your anger.

-Let go of what is beyond your control. You can change only yourself and your responses to others and not what others do to you.

-Forgive.

Last week I got done with one phase of my life and as I make plans to step into yet another I took a momentary pause to reflect on my journey thus far. And in all of my experiences,in all I have learned,in all the values and principles I have decided to live by,letting go of my anger seems to be the most valuable of them all. Because when I eventually did,it was like “the chains were gone and I was set free”.

Yes,the nightmares do come occasionally but its different now because when I wake up,I do so with an understanding that its just my mind playing tricks on me and that my fears have no place in my reality. I wake up with this conviction in my heart: I am whole. I am loved. I have a purpose.

*bbm big smile smiley*

P.s:
*In M.I Abaga’s voice* Yes,Yes Y’all. This is a public service announcement. Jennifer Melah is now B.sc holder. I just relish the feeling of being able to tick the B.sc box when filling out questionnaires.*

And as usual all grammatical errors were intended.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

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